I have seen the great things y'all can do when you band together...and I need a little of that love right now. I am not asking for yarn, knitted things or money- right now my family and I just need your thoughts and prayers. My paternal Grandfather has had health problems for years. (Out of respect for his privacy I am not going to go into his medical history.) During the past few weeks he has gotten much worse and I am afraid he is losing his will to fight. He has requested a DNR order. He feels as if he is nothing but a burden to my Grandmother - his wife of more than 50 years. My heart is breaking for my Grandmother. She told me today that she really thinks this will be his last year with us. I really need to go see him, but cannot even think about him without bursting into tears. I do not know how I am going to face him without upsetting him because I know I will be a wreck. While I realize the death is a normal part of life I am having a hard time letting go- for my own selfish reasons. I want his suffering to end but cannot imagine this world without him. He was always such a strong man. It hurts so deeply to see this shell of a man he has been reduced to... to see the shame in his eyes for what he has become. He was and is a good man- full of love and kindness for his family and neighbors. Although he never was one to gush about his family or feelings, anyone could interpret his feelings simply by looking into his eyes. Some of my earliest childhood memories are following him in his vegetable garden picking beans, tomatoes, melons and cukes. I remember sitting on his knee while he cracked pecans from the trees that shaded his house each hot summer. I know I will never see a tomato on the vine or a freshly tilled garden without thinking of him.
Y'all I need strength. I feel like my Grandma and my Daddy and Brother are going to need someone to lean on through this. I feel this is my responsibility as the oldest granddaughter. So I am gonna need to lean on y'all a bit. I need some inner peace if I hope to calm the waves of emotion I am sure to encounter in the coming weeks. I know I am not the first person to have to go through this-but it is a first for me...and I am hurting.