Friday, February 02, 2007

the power of knitbloggers

I have seen the great things y'all can do when you band together...and I need a little of that love right now. I am not asking for yarn, knitted things or money- right now my family and I just need your thoughts and prayers. My paternal Grandfather has had health problems for years. (Out of respect for his privacy I am not going to go into his medical history.) During the past few weeks he has gotten much worse and I am afraid he is losing his will to fight. He has requested a DNR order. He feels as if he is nothing but a burden to my Grandmother - his wife of more than 50 years. My heart is breaking for my Grandmother. She told me today that she really thinks this will be his last year with us. I really need to go see him, but cannot even think about him without bursting into tears. I do not know how I am going to face him without upsetting him because I know I will be a wreck. While I realize the death is a normal part of life I am having a hard time letting go- for my own selfish reasons. I want his suffering to end but cannot imagine this world without him. He was always such a strong man. It hurts so deeply to see this shell of a man he has been reduced to... to see the shame in his eyes for what he has become. He was and is a good man- full of love and kindness for his family and neighbors. Although he never was one to gush about his family or feelings, anyone could interpret his feelings simply by looking into his eyes. Some of my earliest childhood memories are following him in his vegetable garden picking beans, tomatoes, melons and cukes. I remember sitting on his knee while he cracked pecans from the trees that shaded his house each hot summer. I know I will never see a tomato on the vine or a freshly tilled garden without thinking of him.

Y'all I need strength. I feel like my Grandma and my Daddy and Brother are going to need someone to lean on through this. I feel this is my responsibility as the oldest granddaughter. So I am gonna need to lean on y'all a bit. I need some inner peace if I hope to calm the waves of emotion I am sure to encounter in the coming weeks. I know I am not the first person to have to go through this-but it is a first for me...and I am hurting.

6 comments:

Dawn said...

wow, Amanda you brought me to tears with your memories as a child of your grandfather. My mother passed away from a terrible bout of breast cancer about 4 years ago. It was very hard to see someone who use to be so vital slowly decend. In the end, I finally had to be the one to tell her to let go. It was okay and in truth, it was what she needed, not what I needed. I will send good thoughts your way and tell you, if you need to get things off your chest or just need to talk or ask questions please feel free to email me. You will all be okay. . .the love you feel for your grandfather will keep his spirit alive. To speak of him is to honor him and I think that would make him happy.

Olga said...

Oh, my sister, I will be praying for you and your precious Grandfather, my heart goes out to you and your family. This is a 'night season' everyone walks through, but you are not alone. May comfort and peace be over all of you.

Auntie Amanda said...

Thanks so much y'all...

Olga, do you blog? If so where can I find you?

Necia said...

Hi Amanda,

I feel your pain, sis, I swear I do. I teared up just reading your entry. Prayers I can give ya, strength is something that will come in time. Just dig deep for it. Go see your grandfather. Be strong, try. Just go see him. If you want to talk it out, I'm here.

necia

Persnickety Knitter said...

So sorry to hear about your grandfather. I had a similar experience with my grandmother a few years ago. She had pretty severe dementia and was clearly miserable, and she just decided to stop eating. She got weaker and weaker. It was so hard visiting her and trying to get her to eat, but I had to try to remember that she had had a good life and that prolonging her current life was just making her miserable. It is so hard to let someone go. Hang in there and be strong -- you'll get through it. But remember that sometimes you just need to let yourself cry it out. I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

melinda said...

Dear Amanda, it's so hard to be an observer like you are while someone you love is hurting so. I wish you strength and a little bit of inner peace. You clearly have all the love you need to get you through this.